Morning commute

I have about a 40 minute commute to work each morning and as much as I dislike the time it takes to drive to work, many mornings I find myself having my morning chats with the Man upstairs.  I use this time to pray, to reflect on scripture and to ask any pressing questions I may have.  It is amazing what God can reveal to us when we take the time to ask, meditate, and be still.  We constantly keep our minds and bodies so busy, no wonder it is hard to feel anything but stressed out.

In our Sunday night bible study class, the question keeps arising "Why does God allow bad things to happen?".  This is not an easy question for anyone to answer, but it is something that is human nature to ponder.  After all, many bad things happen to each and every one of us to varying degrees.   Why do some of us get off "easy" while others are facing turmoil after turmoil.  I wish I knew.  Naturally this topic comes up on my morning commutes to work.  I was pondering what our pastor had said about Joseph.  Joseph, son of Jacob, was sold into slavery because of his brothers' jealousy.  He ended up in Egypt, where he is able to interpret a dream for the Pharaoh, and receives a position in the Egyptian government.  This position allows him to store up food for a famine that God reveals is coming.  His brothers end up coming to Egypt, looking for food.  Joseph is then able to save his family.  He has no resentment toward his brothers for selling him into slavery or hatred about their jealousy.  He actually credits everything to divine intervention and is happy that he is able to go ahead and prepare a way for them to survive the famine.  Genesis 45:7-8 "And God sent me before you to preserve you a posterity in the earth, and to save your lives by a great deliverance. So now it was not you that sent me hither, but God:".  I'm not sure about you but if my brothers sold me into slavery, I would have a hard time not keeping all the food for myself and sending them on their way with a few choice words in between.  Joseph, however, was able to take a step back and realize that this was God's plan all along.  And even if he had to suffer short term, he was happy to be able to preserve his family. This somewhat made sense that God may allow bad things to happen for the greater good.  After all, He did allow his son, Jesus, to die on a cross for all of our sins.

 So I moved on to other topics on my morning commute and I saw a dog in a fenced yard.  This dog seemed pretty bored but to keep entertained it would race each car that would pass by. The dog had no chance of winning, because each time it was stopped by the fence.  The fence was preventing it from reaching its full potential.  I felt a little sorry for the dog being caged up, but I knew that without the fence, something bad would  happen. It wouldn't be a matter of  "if" but a matter of "when".  I mean there are only so many cars you can chase, before one might run you over. I immediately felt God telling me, "I love you enough to set you free...even if that means bad things could happen." And then it was all so clear to me..God could have kept us caged up and place all these boundaries in our lives, but He wanted us to have free will.  And sometimes with freedom bad things can happen.  But sometimes in those bad situations, God can be glorified and a plan for the greater good can be carried out.  And then I could not help but to laugh..God just used a dog in a fenced yard to answer my life questions. Oh how I love my morning commutes.  He does tell us "ask, and it shall be given you; seek and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.." and when we ask I truly believe He will find a way to give us those answers if we take the time to listen. 

Perspective

I would like to think that I am a relatively healthy person. I have had a sinus surgery here, a tonsil removed there, but nothing significant that could be seen externally.  For as long as I can remember, however, I have had an internal struggle with anxiety. I don’t handle stress well and I stress over everything. I am here to tell you that mental stress will eventually present itself physically.  It looks differently for each of us.  Mine showed up shortly after I turned 30.  I began having these strange allergic episodes.  To keep it short and simple, the doctor did all the allergy tests and blood work and I seem perfectly normal.  He calls it idiopathic anaphylaxis which basically means he has no idea why I break out in a rash, have vomiting, low blood pressure, fast heart rate and feel like I’m dying.  I, on the other hand, have my ideas about what is going on.  The main trigger to these episodes is STRESS.  How does someone whose sympathetic nervous system (fight or flight) is constantly switched on, calm down? Well, I am a pharmacist and I know there are plenty of medications that could help with this, but I also know that there are plenty of side effects to go along with them.  So..I began praying…and not just for Jesus to heal me of these strange allergic reactions, but for the ability and desire to give the internal stress and turmoil to Him.  1Peter 5:7 says, “casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you”.  Here I was believing in God, but not fully trusting or relying on Him to get me through these daily struggles and quite honestly making myself sick unnecessarily.  Allowing Jesus to lighten our loads each and every day by placing our trust in Him, can not only help us get through the roughest storm, but can change the way we view our circumstances.  Just the other day I could feel the stress building up (we had a new baby, I took a new job, my son’s autism seems to be getting worse).  My son was having a pretty rough week and one morning I heard him screaming in the other room and I just felt myself losing all emotional stability. I remember instantly taking it to God, feeling quite sorry for myself.  I can’t remember my exact thoughts but it went something like this “God so many people have perfectly healthy children.  Their biggest issues are about how whiny or messy their children are.. Why can’t this be my only problem?” I truly thought I had a good argument and God may give me a loving pat on the back but then I heard a response..  “But how many people would love to have your problem?”  This surprised me at first, after all, there aren’t many who would want to have a child with all the struggles of autism, but then again some may look at my struggles with autism and think them mild or mediocre compared to what their child goes through, or maybe their child didn’t get to stay in this world at all.  I instantly had a sense of inner peace and even thankfulness for what God has blessed me with. I definitely didn’t see any of that coming.  Instead of focusing on all the things I did not have and all the things wrong in that moment, my mind shifted and I was given a different perspective, one of thankfulness for all I do have.  

 I am far from 100 percent stress or anxiety free, it is a battle that I fight daily. I am happy to report that I have not had an allergic episode since I started praying over this specifically, about 6 months ago.  I am here to tell you that your life will not be perfect with Jesus.  You will go through hard times, bad things will happen, but He can be there each and every step of the way if you let him.  Phillipians4:7 “And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”  Never underestimate the power of prayer.  He can bring us joy and peace that surpasses understanding. I have learned that taking the time to “have a little talk with Jesus” can truly make things right.  

Faith

If I spend too much time analyzing world events, I can easily get overwhelmed.  I believe my husband often avoids the news channels because he knows how quickly I can get worked up into a “end times are comin’” frenzy.  These episodes are not healthy and neither is avoiding information about the world around me.   I believe God has helped me over the years find a balance.  Not perfection, but a balance.  I have been reading about King Hezekiah in 2Chronicles and I have been so impressed with his poise and faith in God even when faced with Assyrian threats of destruction. As Sennacherib, King of Assyria,  is about to invade Judah, Sennacherib writes  to the Israelites in 2Chronicles32:17 “..As the gods of the nations of other lands have not delivered their people out of mine hand, so shall not the God of Hezekiah deliver his people out of mine hand.” Clearly Sennacherib knows very little about the God of Hezekiah.  In his mind, Judah would suffer the same fate as all the other kingdoms he had so easily conquered.  Hezekiah is truely faced with a possible "end of life as he knew it" scenario.  I have to stop here and contemplate what my response would be to this situation.  Fear?Faith?Retreat? Hezekiah took action. He prayed and prepared  for battle against the Assyrians.  He rebuilt walls, he rerouted the water supply and made weapons.  He also had faith in God and shared his faith with his people in 2Chronicles32:8 “With him is an arm of flesh; but with us is the LORD our God to help us, and to fight our battles.  And the people rested themselves upon the words of Hezekiah King of Judah.”  Just looking at trending issues in the news like the election, Syria and Russia, can make you wonder just how anything good could possibly be coming.  I am sure the people of Judah could have slipped into the realm of fear and doubt, but they kept the faith.  I can tell you good things did come for Hezekiah. God sent an angel that wipes out the Assyrian army and Sennacherib flees to his homeland where he is killed by his sons we are told in 2Chronicles32:21 “And the LORD sent an angel, which cut off all the mighty men of valour, and the leaders and captains in the camp of the King of Assyria.  So he returned with shame of face to his own land.  And when he was come into the house of his god, they that came forth of his own bowels slew him there with the sword.”  Hezekiah did what I need to do in so many areas of my life.  He does all that he could do to prepare for the battle and then committed the rest to God.  He did not ignore the issue at hand, and he did not work himself into a frenzy.  He simply prepared and trusted God.  Sounds so simple right?  I passed a church sign a few days ago that really stuck with me it said, “Pray for strength not for ease”.  So many times I pray for God to make my paths “easy” and “comfortable” but sometimes life is going to get bumpy.  Things in our country may get downright tumultuous. When I feel a “frenzy” coming on I simply to try remember, “God will see us through it or He will see us home.” And that is a beautiful truth for all believers.  

A walk on the beach

I was walking on the beach with my 1 year old niece.  She had fallen asleep, and we had walked quite a ways from our chairs.  She is only about 17 pounds but I as I looked at the distance ahead of me, she felt like a ton.  I felt the Holy Spirit, paralleling this to my walk with God.  There is a certain transformation that must take place in our hearts and lives when we truly start to follow God’s plan.  Peter explains this transformation in 2Peter1 5-8: “And beside this, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue; and to virtue knowledge; And to knowledge temperance; and to temperance patience; and to patience godliness; And to godliness brotherly kindness and to brotherly kindness charity.  For if these things be in you, and abound, they make  you that ye shall neither be barren nor unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ..”  The traits that Peter describes, are all ones that I want to possess, but like my walk on the beach it is a process.  I can’t just snap my fingers and arrive from point A to point B any easier than I can go from virtue to charity.  God was telling me that I am in control of my own pace.  Just like the weight of my niece that made the distance seem overwhelming, I have burdens, anxieties and distractions in my life that I try to carry on my own.  The crazy thing is that I don’t have to do it by myself.  Mathew 11: 28-30 “ Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke  upon  you, and learn of me for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.  For my yoke  is easy, and my burden is light.” This is written in red! Jesus gives us a perfect solution to lighten our earthly loads but so many times I want to do it myself.  If I give these things over to Jesus, I can pick up my pace and focus on my walk with Him.
 So why is it so important to grow in these qualities   through our walk in God? Peter tells us in 2Peter verse 8, “ so that ye shall neither be barren nor unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.” In John15:1-14, Jesus tells us that He is the vine and we are the branches.  Verse 4 says “Abide in me, and I in you.  As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, except it abide in the vine no more can ye, except ye abide in me.”  If our fruit was abounding, as Jesus designed, the world around us may look quite differently. We as individuals need to check our fruit..we as a church need to check our fruit..we as a community need to check our fruit.   I have inspected my fruit.  I hear the Holy Spirit nudging me to pick up my pace.  What do you hear?

Believing in what I can't see

Wouldn’t it be nice if once we became a Christian, we did not have to go through any hard times? Maybe if God could put a nice bubble around us and steer us down the path of happiness and good fortune?   It is a nice dream, but unfortunately nowhere close to reality.  Everyone, including Christians, must face difficult circumstances at some point in their lives.     The storms we face look different and vary in severity, but all are very real and challenging.  It is so hard to see God’s hand working on our darkest days.  I sometimes wonder what it would be like if I could truly see God working like Elisha could. In 2Kings6 Elisha made an enemy of the King of Syria.  Ben-hadad did not appreciate Elisha revealing his war plans to the king of Israel. So much so, he sent a great host by night to surround Dothan where Elisha was staying. I can only imagine how terrifying  that would be to wake up to. Surrounded by an army of horses and chariots, no possible way out right? 2Kings6:15-17 “..And his servant said unto him, Alas, my master! How shall we do? And he answered, Fear not: for they that be with us are more than they that be with them. And Elisha prayed, and said, LORD, I pray thee, open his eyes that he may see. And the LORD opened the eyes of the young man, and he saw: and, behold, the mountain was full of horses and chariots of fire round about Elisha.” To Elisha’s servant, he woke up to what he must have thought was the end, as many of us feel in our struggles, but God provided a way. I had a complete stranger tell me once he had met Jesus. I assumed he meant he was saved. He proceeded to tell me how he was in the hospital many years back with severe abdominal pain, doctors did not think he would live very long, and then suddenly the pain went away and he saw Jesus in his hospital room (He made it clear that Jesus  looks nothing like the pictures you see at church). The  doctors were amazed by the effectiveness of a surgery they had performed and for a man over 80 years old he seemed as I was talking with him to be in good health. Although the doctors thought his days were short, God had a different plan just like with Elisha. I am proud I was able to hear his story. Through his story and Elisha’s I am reminded that God never leaves us. We may not be able to see Him working out His plan for our lives, but He is. When I feel like I am completely surrounded and having the worst of days I remember the words of Elisha, “Fear not: for they that be with us are more than they that be with them.”

Easter

My daughter and I watched the movie Tangled this Easter evening for the first time.  I had heard the story of Rapunzel when I was close to her age .  I remembered very little, other than the extremely long hair and Rapunzel being locked in a tower.  Disney’s version of Rapunzel has magical hair that contains healing and anti-aging abilities when she sings a special song, but if her hair is cut it loses its powers and turns brown from golden.   (Spoiler alert) At the end of the movie her future prince, Eugene, is killed by an evil old woman she once thought was her mother.  Before he takes his last breath, he cuts off her hair with a piece of glass to save her from making a promise to the old woman in exchange to heal him.  Once Rapunzel realizes she cannot bring Eugene back,  she begins to sing and  a tear rolls down her cheek and lands on Eugene’s face.  Eugene is healed (apparently healing power in hair and tears) and she reunites with her real parents, the king and queen, and they all live happily ever after.  After the movie was over, we all went about the rest of our lazy, rainy Sunday.  I did not think much about the movie. It wasn’t the best or worst Disney movie I had seen.  It had been somewhat of a hectic day in many ways.  My husband and 3 year old daughter were in the Easter play at church and both did such an amazing job.  I sat with my 5 year old son who has autism during the play.  The first 30 minutes were extremely rocky.  He kept screaming for Daddy and both of his grandmothers, who were also in the play.  Luckily the lights went out shortly,  so no one could see how bright red my face was due to the outbursts.  He calmed down some and played his IPad.  Unfortunately  I am  not technologically savvy and could never figure out how to turn the sound completely down.   At that point,  I  wasn’t willing to take the IPad  away due to the fear of more outbursts.  We have recently been making him sit through church as much as we can.  He had previously figured out that if he screamed that he would get to leave church and go play, which is exactly what he wants.  I hate to make others suffer through this brutal learning experience.  I am praying that it will get better with time.  It was a dreary, rainy Easter Day. Rainy days are never easy for my son because he loves to be outside running, jumping, swinging or climbing.  He spent most of the day wanting to watch certain songs or the credits of certain movies.  Our night ended with a meltdown.  He began hitting and kicking me over using a new pillow he received for Easter.  It takes him a while to adjust to new items.  I was not asking him to use the pillow.  I was simply lying on it and he did not want it on the bed.  Instead of being able to ask me to remove it, he simply went into meltdown mode.  Anyone who is familiar with ABA knows that you do not reward this type of behavior so I just tried to block and ignore him.  There is not any calming or reasoning with an autistic child having a meltdown.  Eventually he just fell asleep.  As I was lying there watching him sleep, I felt the tears rolling down my cheeks.  I could not help but to think, “If only my tears had magical healing abilities”.  What a crazy thing to think at that moment.  I know I cannot be the only mother or parent that would want to do anything to help take away the pain, the difficulties and the struggles for their children.  It is not an easy thing to endure.   I know I could not do it alone.  Phillppians 4:13: “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.”  How thankful am I on this Easter Sunday for our loving Lord and Savior who not only died on the cross so that my sins may be forgiven, but He is  also there for me every single day (even on the days I do not deserve Him).  I may not have magical healing tears, but I do have a God who wipes each one away and I would not want to face any situation without Him.

Giving

We are told in Acts20:35 that Jesus said, “It is more blessed to give than to receive.” I have been thinking on this recently and I have come to the conclusion that my mother in law is the most blessed person I know.  She gets especially carried away during the holidays.  She loves buying gifts for everyone, especially the children and to see the joy on everyone’s faces.  She does not limit her giving to holidays or special occasions.  She honestly wants to help and put others before herself all the time. Some people may be born naturally with this amazing generosity but I have to admit I have been doing some internal soul searching and I am not one of those people. I am a terrible gift giver. A gift card is honestly my best friend around the holidays. Why do I want to buy something thoughtful for someone that they may not even use?  I often put stipulations on my giving like the person must be deserving, and it has to be convenient for me.  If I only have $5 and the Holy Spirit urges me to give to someone else, I immediately convince myself I must be losing my mind.  I have been reading in 1Kings17 about a widow woman who was instructed by God during a time of great drought and famine to sustain the prophet, Elijah.  As Elijah approached her and asked for food and water she told him in 1Kings17:12 “As the LORD thy God liveth, I have not a cake, but an handful of meal in a barrel, and a little oil in a cruse: and, behold, I am gathering two sticks, that I may go in and dress it for me and my son, that we may eat it and die.” Clearly this widow was down to her last meal and knew she had no way to sustain her own son, let alone a traveling stranger.  1Kings17 (13)And Elijah said unto her, Fear not; go and do as thou has said: but make me thereof a little cake first, and bring it unto me,  and after make for thee and for  thy son. (14) For thus saith the LORD God of Israel, The barrel of meal shall not waste, neither shall the cruse of oil fail,  until the day that the LORD sendeth rain upon the earth.
Maybe this widow knew that Elijah was a legitimate prophet, but it must have taken great faith for her to open up her home to him and give him food FIRST then prepare what she thought was the last for her and her son.  If she questioned the scenario for a moment, it is not mentioned.  Not only does the meal nor the oil run out but her son becomes very sick during Elijah’s stay and dies.  Elijah is able to pray over him and God brings him back to her.  Two blessings she would have never received without being obedient to God to give.  It reminds me of the widow’s mite.  Mark12:43-44 (43) And he called unto him his disciples, and saith unto them, Verily I say unto you, That this poor widow hath cast more in, than all they which have cast into the treasury. (44)For all they did cast in of their abundance; but she of her want did cast in all that she had, even all her living.
It is easy for me to pray for someone when I am not busy, but if someone needs me at midnight am I still willing?  It is easy for me to clean out my closet and house to give to others but what about my more prized possessions?  What about my last $5?  There are so many times that I pray for God to bless my family.  Lately I have been asking myself, “Could I be holding God back from blessing me?” Just like the widow and Elijah, she first had to be willing to give her last to receive a truly amazing blessing from God.