Morning commute

I have about a 40 minute commute to work each morning and as much as I dislike the time it takes to drive to work, many mornings I find myself having my morning chats with the Man upstairs.  I use this time to pray, to reflect on scripture and to ask any pressing questions I may have.  It is amazing what God can reveal to us when we take the time to ask, meditate, and be still.  We constantly keep our minds and bodies so busy, no wonder it is hard to feel anything but stressed out.

In our Sunday night bible study class, the question keeps arising "Why does God allow bad things to happen?".  This is not an easy question for anyone to answer, but it is something that is human nature to ponder.  After all, many bad things happen to each and every one of us to varying degrees.   Why do some of us get off "easy" while others are facing turmoil after turmoil.  I wish I knew.  Naturally this topic comes up on my morning commutes to work.  I was pondering what our pastor had said about Joseph.  Joseph, son of Jacob, was sold into slavery because of his brothers' jealousy.  He ended up in Egypt, where he is able to interpret a dream for the Pharaoh, and receives a position in the Egyptian government.  This position allows him to store up food for a famine that God reveals is coming.  His brothers end up coming to Egypt, looking for food.  Joseph is then able to save his family.  He has no resentment toward his brothers for selling him into slavery or hatred about their jealousy.  He actually credits everything to divine intervention and is happy that he is able to go ahead and prepare a way for them to survive the famine.  Genesis 45:7-8 "And God sent me before you to preserve you a posterity in the earth, and to save your lives by a great deliverance. So now it was not you that sent me hither, but God:".  I'm not sure about you but if my brothers sold me into slavery, I would have a hard time not keeping all the food for myself and sending them on their way with a few choice words in between.  Joseph, however, was able to take a step back and realize that this was God's plan all along.  And even if he had to suffer short term, he was happy to be able to preserve his family. This somewhat made sense that God may allow bad things to happen for the greater good.  After all, He did allow his son, Jesus, to die on a cross for all of our sins.

 So I moved on to other topics on my morning commute and I saw a dog in a fenced yard.  This dog seemed pretty bored but to keep entertained it would race each car that would pass by. The dog had no chance of winning, because each time it was stopped by the fence.  The fence was preventing it from reaching its full potential.  I felt a little sorry for the dog being caged up, but I knew that without the fence, something bad would  happen. It wouldn't be a matter of  "if" but a matter of "when".  I mean there are only so many cars you can chase, before one might run you over. I immediately felt God telling me, "I love you enough to set you free...even if that means bad things could happen." And then it was all so clear to me..God could have kept us caged up and place all these boundaries in our lives, but He wanted us to have free will.  And sometimes with freedom bad things can happen.  But sometimes in those bad situations, God can be glorified and a plan for the greater good can be carried out.  And then I could not help but to laugh..God just used a dog in a fenced yard to answer my life questions. Oh how I love my morning commutes.  He does tell us "ask, and it shall be given you; seek and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.." and when we ask I truly believe He will find a way to give us those answers if we take the time to listen. 

Perspective

I would like to think that I am a relatively healthy person. I have had a sinus surgery here, a tonsil removed there, but nothing significant that could be seen externally.  For as long as I can remember, however, I have had an internal struggle with anxiety. I don’t handle stress well and I stress over everything. I am here to tell you that mental stress will eventually present itself physically.  It looks differently for each of us.  Mine showed up shortly after I turned 30.  I began having these strange allergic episodes.  To keep it short and simple, the doctor did all the allergy tests and blood work and I seem perfectly normal.  He calls it idiopathic anaphylaxis which basically means he has no idea why I break out in a rash, have vomiting, low blood pressure, fast heart rate and feel like I’m dying.  I, on the other hand, have my ideas about what is going on.  The main trigger to these episodes is STRESS.  How does someone whose sympathetic nervous system (fight or flight) is constantly switched on, calm down? Well, I am a pharmacist and I know there are plenty of medications that could help with this, but I also know that there are plenty of side effects to go along with them.  So..I began praying…and not just for Jesus to heal me of these strange allergic reactions, but for the ability and desire to give the internal stress and turmoil to Him.  1Peter 5:7 says, “casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you”.  Here I was believing in God, but not fully trusting or relying on Him to get me through these daily struggles and quite honestly making myself sick unnecessarily.  Allowing Jesus to lighten our loads each and every day by placing our trust in Him, can not only help us get through the roughest storm, but can change the way we view our circumstances.  Just the other day I could feel the stress building up (we had a new baby, I took a new job, my son’s autism seems to be getting worse).  My son was having a pretty rough week and one morning I heard him screaming in the other room and I just felt myself losing all emotional stability. I remember instantly taking it to God, feeling quite sorry for myself.  I can’t remember my exact thoughts but it went something like this “God so many people have perfectly healthy children.  Their biggest issues are about how whiny or messy their children are.. Why can’t this be my only problem?” I truly thought I had a good argument and God may give me a loving pat on the back but then I heard a response..  “But how many people would love to have your problem?”  This surprised me at first, after all, there aren’t many who would want to have a child with all the struggles of autism, but then again some may look at my struggles with autism and think them mild or mediocre compared to what their child goes through, or maybe their child didn’t get to stay in this world at all.  I instantly had a sense of inner peace and even thankfulness for what God has blessed me with. I definitely didn’t see any of that coming.  Instead of focusing on all the things I did not have and all the things wrong in that moment, my mind shifted and I was given a different perspective, one of thankfulness for all I do have.  

 I am far from 100 percent stress or anxiety free, it is a battle that I fight daily. I am happy to report that I have not had an allergic episode since I started praying over this specifically, about 6 months ago.  I am here to tell you that your life will not be perfect with Jesus.  You will go through hard times, bad things will happen, but He can be there each and every step of the way if you let him.  Phillipians4:7 “And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”  Never underestimate the power of prayer.  He can bring us joy and peace that surpasses understanding. I have learned that taking the time to “have a little talk with Jesus” can truly make things right.  

Faith

If I spend too much time analyzing world events, I can easily get overwhelmed.  I believe my husband often avoids the news channels because he knows how quickly I can get worked up into a “end times are comin’” frenzy.  These episodes are not healthy and neither is avoiding information about the world around me.   I believe God has helped me over the years find a balance.  Not perfection, but a balance.  I have been reading about King Hezekiah in 2Chronicles and I have been so impressed with his poise and faith in God even when faced with Assyrian threats of destruction. As Sennacherib, King of Assyria,  is about to invade Judah, Sennacherib writes  to the Israelites in 2Chronicles32:17 “..As the gods of the nations of other lands have not delivered their people out of mine hand, so shall not the God of Hezekiah deliver his people out of mine hand.” Clearly Sennacherib knows very little about the God of Hezekiah.  In his mind, Judah would suffer the same fate as all the other kingdoms he had so easily conquered.  Hezekiah is truely faced with a possible "end of life as he knew it" scenario.  I have to stop here and contemplate what my response would be to this situation.  Fear?Faith?Retreat? Hezekiah took action. He prayed and prepared  for battle against the Assyrians.  He rebuilt walls, he rerouted the water supply and made weapons.  He also had faith in God and shared his faith with his people in 2Chronicles32:8 “With him is an arm of flesh; but with us is the LORD our God to help us, and to fight our battles.  And the people rested themselves upon the words of Hezekiah King of Judah.”  Just looking at trending issues in the news like the election, Syria and Russia, can make you wonder just how anything good could possibly be coming.  I am sure the people of Judah could have slipped into the realm of fear and doubt, but they kept the faith.  I can tell you good things did come for Hezekiah. God sent an angel that wipes out the Assyrian army and Sennacherib flees to his homeland where he is killed by his sons we are told in 2Chronicles32:21 “And the LORD sent an angel, which cut off all the mighty men of valour, and the leaders and captains in the camp of the King of Assyria.  So he returned with shame of face to his own land.  And when he was come into the house of his god, they that came forth of his own bowels slew him there with the sword.”  Hezekiah did what I need to do in so many areas of my life.  He does all that he could do to prepare for the battle and then committed the rest to God.  He did not ignore the issue at hand, and he did not work himself into a frenzy.  He simply prepared and trusted God.  Sounds so simple right?  I passed a church sign a few days ago that really stuck with me it said, “Pray for strength not for ease”.  So many times I pray for God to make my paths “easy” and “comfortable” but sometimes life is going to get bumpy.  Things in our country may get downright tumultuous. When I feel a “frenzy” coming on I simply to try remember, “God will see us through it or He will see us home.” And that is a beautiful truth for all believers.  

A walk on the beach

I was walking on the beach with my 1 year old niece.  She had fallen asleep, and we had walked quite a ways from our chairs.  She is only about 17 pounds but I as I looked at the distance ahead of me, she felt like a ton.  I felt the Holy Spirit, paralleling this to my walk with God.  There is a certain transformation that must take place in our hearts and lives when we truly start to follow God’s plan.  Peter explains this transformation in 2Peter1 5-8: “And beside this, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue; and to virtue knowledge; And to knowledge temperance; and to temperance patience; and to patience godliness; And to godliness brotherly kindness and to brotherly kindness charity.  For if these things be in you, and abound, they make  you that ye shall neither be barren nor unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ..”  The traits that Peter describes, are all ones that I want to possess, but like my walk on the beach it is a process.  I can’t just snap my fingers and arrive from point A to point B any easier than I can go from virtue to charity.  God was telling me that I am in control of my own pace.  Just like the weight of my niece that made the distance seem overwhelming, I have burdens, anxieties and distractions in my life that I try to carry on my own.  The crazy thing is that I don’t have to do it by myself.  Mathew 11: 28-30 “ Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke  upon  you, and learn of me for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.  For my yoke  is easy, and my burden is light.” This is written in red! Jesus gives us a perfect solution to lighten our earthly loads but so many times I want to do it myself.  If I give these things over to Jesus, I can pick up my pace and focus on my walk with Him.
 So why is it so important to grow in these qualities   through our walk in God? Peter tells us in 2Peter verse 8, “ so that ye shall neither be barren nor unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.” In John15:1-14, Jesus tells us that He is the vine and we are the branches.  Verse 4 says “Abide in me, and I in you.  As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, except it abide in the vine no more can ye, except ye abide in me.”  If our fruit was abounding, as Jesus designed, the world around us may look quite differently. We as individuals need to check our fruit..we as a church need to check our fruit..we as a community need to check our fruit.   I have inspected my fruit.  I hear the Holy Spirit nudging me to pick up my pace.  What do you hear?

Believing in what I can't see

Wouldn’t it be nice if once we became a Christian, we did not have to go through any hard times? Maybe if God could put a nice bubble around us and steer us down the path of happiness and good fortune?   It is a nice dream, but unfortunately nowhere close to reality.  Everyone, including Christians, must face difficult circumstances at some point in their lives.     The storms we face look different and vary in severity, but all are very real and challenging.  It is so hard to see God’s hand working on our darkest days.  I sometimes wonder what it would be like if I could truly see God working like Elisha could. In 2Kings6 Elisha made an enemy of the King of Syria.  Ben-hadad did not appreciate Elisha revealing his war plans to the king of Israel. So much so, he sent a great host by night to surround Dothan where Elisha was staying. I can only imagine how terrifying  that would be to wake up to. Surrounded by an army of horses and chariots, no possible way out right? 2Kings6:15-17 “..And his servant said unto him, Alas, my master! How shall we do? And he answered, Fear not: for they that be with us are more than they that be with them. And Elisha prayed, and said, LORD, I pray thee, open his eyes that he may see. And the LORD opened the eyes of the young man, and he saw: and, behold, the mountain was full of horses and chariots of fire round about Elisha.” To Elisha’s servant, he woke up to what he must have thought was the end, as many of us feel in our struggles, but God provided a way. I had a complete stranger tell me once he had met Jesus. I assumed he meant he was saved. He proceeded to tell me how he was in the hospital many years back with severe abdominal pain, doctors did not think he would live very long, and then suddenly the pain went away and he saw Jesus in his hospital room (He made it clear that Jesus  looks nothing like the pictures you see at church). The  doctors were amazed by the effectiveness of a surgery they had performed and for a man over 80 years old he seemed as I was talking with him to be in good health. Although the doctors thought his days were short, God had a different plan just like with Elisha. I am proud I was able to hear his story. Through his story and Elisha’s I am reminded that God never leaves us. We may not be able to see Him working out His plan for our lives, but He is. When I feel like I am completely surrounded and having the worst of days I remember the words of Elisha, “Fear not: for they that be with us are more than they that be with them.”

Easter

My daughter and I watched the movie Tangled this Easter evening for the first time.  I had heard the story of Rapunzel when I was close to her age .  I remembered very little, other than the extremely long hair and Rapunzel being locked in a tower.  Disney’s version of Rapunzel has magical hair that contains healing and anti-aging abilities when she sings a special song, but if her hair is cut it loses its powers and turns brown from golden.   (Spoiler alert) At the end of the movie her future prince, Eugene, is killed by an evil old woman she once thought was her mother.  Before he takes his last breath, he cuts off her hair with a piece of glass to save her from making a promise to the old woman in exchange to heal him.  Once Rapunzel realizes she cannot bring Eugene back,  she begins to sing and  a tear rolls down her cheek and lands on Eugene’s face.  Eugene is healed (apparently healing power in hair and tears) and she reunites with her real parents, the king and queen, and they all live happily ever after.  After the movie was over, we all went about the rest of our lazy, rainy Sunday.  I did not think much about the movie. It wasn’t the best or worst Disney movie I had seen.  It had been somewhat of a hectic day in many ways.  My husband and 3 year old daughter were in the Easter play at church and both did such an amazing job.  I sat with my 5 year old son who has autism during the play.  The first 30 minutes were extremely rocky.  He kept screaming for Daddy and both of his grandmothers, who were also in the play.  Luckily the lights went out shortly,  so no one could see how bright red my face was due to the outbursts.  He calmed down some and played his IPad.  Unfortunately  I am  not technologically savvy and could never figure out how to turn the sound completely down.   At that point,  I  wasn’t willing to take the IPad  away due to the fear of more outbursts.  We have recently been making him sit through church as much as we can.  He had previously figured out that if he screamed that he would get to leave church and go play, which is exactly what he wants.  I hate to make others suffer through this brutal learning experience.  I am praying that it will get better with time.  It was a dreary, rainy Easter Day. Rainy days are never easy for my son because he loves to be outside running, jumping, swinging or climbing.  He spent most of the day wanting to watch certain songs or the credits of certain movies.  Our night ended with a meltdown.  He began hitting and kicking me over using a new pillow he received for Easter.  It takes him a while to adjust to new items.  I was not asking him to use the pillow.  I was simply lying on it and he did not want it on the bed.  Instead of being able to ask me to remove it, he simply went into meltdown mode.  Anyone who is familiar with ABA knows that you do not reward this type of behavior so I just tried to block and ignore him.  There is not any calming or reasoning with an autistic child having a meltdown.  Eventually he just fell asleep.  As I was lying there watching him sleep, I felt the tears rolling down my cheeks.  I could not help but to think, “If only my tears had magical healing abilities”.  What a crazy thing to think at that moment.  I know I cannot be the only mother or parent that would want to do anything to help take away the pain, the difficulties and the struggles for their children.  It is not an easy thing to endure.   I know I could not do it alone.  Phillppians 4:13: “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.”  How thankful am I on this Easter Sunday for our loving Lord and Savior who not only died on the cross so that my sins may be forgiven, but He is  also there for me every single day (even on the days I do not deserve Him).  I may not have magical healing tears, but I do have a God who wipes each one away and I would not want to face any situation without Him.

Giving

We are told in Acts20:35 that Jesus said, “It is more blessed to give than to receive.” I have been thinking on this recently and I have come to the conclusion that my mother in law is the most blessed person I know.  She gets especially carried away during the holidays.  She loves buying gifts for everyone, especially the children and to see the joy on everyone’s faces.  She does not limit her giving to holidays or special occasions.  She honestly wants to help and put others before herself all the time. Some people may be born naturally with this amazing generosity but I have to admit I have been doing some internal soul searching and I am not one of those people. I am a terrible gift giver. A gift card is honestly my best friend around the holidays. Why do I want to buy something thoughtful for someone that they may not even use?  I often put stipulations on my giving like the person must be deserving, and it has to be convenient for me.  If I only have $5 and the Holy Spirit urges me to give to someone else, I immediately convince myself I must be losing my mind.  I have been reading in 1Kings17 about a widow woman who was instructed by God during a time of great drought and famine to sustain the prophet, Elijah.  As Elijah approached her and asked for food and water she told him in 1Kings17:12 “As the LORD thy God liveth, I have not a cake, but an handful of meal in a barrel, and a little oil in a cruse: and, behold, I am gathering two sticks, that I may go in and dress it for me and my son, that we may eat it and die.” Clearly this widow was down to her last meal and knew she had no way to sustain her own son, let alone a traveling stranger.  1Kings17 (13)And Elijah said unto her, Fear not; go and do as thou has said: but make me thereof a little cake first, and bring it unto me,  and after make for thee and for  thy son. (14) For thus saith the LORD God of Israel, The barrel of meal shall not waste, neither shall the cruse of oil fail,  until the day that the LORD sendeth rain upon the earth.
Maybe this widow knew that Elijah was a legitimate prophet, but it must have taken great faith for her to open up her home to him and give him food FIRST then prepare what she thought was the last for her and her son.  If she questioned the scenario for a moment, it is not mentioned.  Not only does the meal nor the oil run out but her son becomes very sick during Elijah’s stay and dies.  Elijah is able to pray over him and God brings him back to her.  Two blessings she would have never received without being obedient to God to give.  It reminds me of the widow’s mite.  Mark12:43-44 (43) And he called unto him his disciples, and saith unto them, Verily I say unto you, That this poor widow hath cast more in, than all they which have cast into the treasury. (44)For all they did cast in of their abundance; but she of her want did cast in all that she had, even all her living.
It is easy for me to pray for someone when I am not busy, but if someone needs me at midnight am I still willing?  It is easy for me to clean out my closet and house to give to others but what about my more prized possessions?  What about my last $5?  There are so many times that I pray for God to bless my family.  Lately I have been asking myself, “Could I be holding God back from blessing me?” Just like the widow and Elijah, she first had to be willing to give her last to receive a truly amazing blessing from God.

Love

God has placed these verses on my heart because I have such a tendency to get angry when others disappoint me or hurt my feelings. I often do not stop at angry and can hold grudges. I also feel lead to share this, so maybe I am not alone. 1John4:7 "Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God." 1John4:20 "If a man say, I love God, and hateth his brother, he is a liar: for he that loveth not his brother whom he has seen, how can he love God whom he has not seen?" Instead of getting angry and letting the Devil in my heart, should I not be going to God in prayer with love for others? We all need prayer! Jesus tells us in John 10:10 "The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy you: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly." The enemy is out there and he can use any of us. The scary thing is we may not even realize he is using us. 

God's plan

When things are not going our way it is easy to get discouraged especially when we know we are following God’s plan.  God’s plan is not always instant success but more of a gradual process that we have to trust in.  The prophet, Elijah, was very diligent to carry out God’s plan. He followed God’s every instruction.  There was a drought that lasted three years that he predicted and then he went to confront Ahab about worshipping Baal.  Elijah must have felt pretty certain that as soon as God brought forth fire on the altar at mount Carmel in front of all of Israel they would turn from Baal and know that Jehovah was the one true God.  I can only imagine Elijah’s disappointment that his success in disproving Baal was only temporary and that Jezebel wanted him killed.  Elijah was so upset by this turn in events that he prays that God will let him die:  1Kings 19:4 “But he himself went a day’s  journey into the wilderness, and came and sat down under a juniper tree: and he requested for himself that he might die; and said, It is enough; now, O LORD, take away my life; for I am not better than my fathers.” When questioned by God Elijah responds in 1Kings19:14, “And he said, I have been very jealous for the LORD God of hosts: because the children of Israel have foresaken thy covenant, thrown down thine altars, and slain thy prophets with the sword: and I, even I only, am left; and they seek my life, to take it away.” I often find myself, like Elijah, frustrated when I feel like I am doing all the right things and getting no results or negative results.  It is easy to get a feeling of hopelessness which can consume your thoughts and make things seem worse than they really are. In all his sadness, Elijah had convinced himself he was alone, but he wasn’t as God tells him in 1Kings19:18 “Yet I have left me seven thousand in Israel, all the knees which have not bowed unto Baal, and every mouth which hath not kissed him.”  Often times what we perceive as failure or no result may look very differently to God, just as it did with Elijah. God does not answer Elijah’s prayer to let him die.  God lets Elijah work through his emotions all the while sending an angel to take care of him before sending him on an even greater task.  When you are ready to give into hopelessness and give up like Elijah, don’t.  God has a plan for each one of our lives, it may just look differently from our own plan.  

Standing out

Wouldn’t life be so much easier if you did not care what anyone thought of you? I believe people struggle with this to varying degrees, I just happen to have a healthy dose.  2Samuel6:14-16, “And David danced before the LORD with all his might; and David was girded with a linen ephod. So David and all the house of Israel brought up the ark of the LORD with shouting, and with the sound of the trumpet. And as the ark of the LORD came into the city of David, Michal Saul’s daughter looked through a window, and saw king David leaping and dancing before the LORD; and she despised him in her heart.” The fact that David was able to worship the LORD so whole heartedly and not care if he was behaving appropriately for a king really spoke to me.  I have spent most of my life wanting to blend in.  I am introverted by nature and definitely try to avoid anything that will draw attention to myself.  God has been working on me in this area of my life.  I have had to come to the realization that when I take my son, who has autism, out in public, we are going to get noticed.  Just a few weeks ago at the county fair, he was loving the rides but experiencing sensory overload from the lights, noise and people.  My husband left us at the kid section to take our 9 year old nephew to ride one of the scarier, adult rides. My son finds comfort in having us all together.  When his daddy left, the sensory overload lead to a major meltdown.  He was crying real tears uncontrollably, screaming “Daddy, Daddy”. I tried everything I knew of to calm him but nothing was working.  The screams became so loud that people were looking at me concerned.  The lady beside me was staring me down and exclaimed, “Oh my goodness.”  As a special needs mom, you must develop a sort of “thick skin”.  This is something I would have never acquired  if God had not placed Samuel in my life. It  would have been nice to reply, “Yes, my child is acting crazy. No, there is not anything I can do about it.  You have no idea what he is going through right now. So, please do not judge us.”  The desire to say this quickly passed as I remembered that I used to be very much like this lady at the fair and David’s wife, Michal.  Not only did I previously struggle with standing out, I was somewhat judgmental of those who did, especially if I did not understand their situation.  I can remember going to a family birthday party of a child when I was in my early 20’s.  There was a little boy at this party with autism who was several years older than most of the kids attending.  At this time, I had no idea what autism meant.  All I knew was that this noisy little boy was up walking around  when everyone else was sitting down and quiet and he was trying to open the presents.  I can honestly remember thinking, “Why doesn’t his mother do something about this?”  Clearly I lacked understanding which lead to an inappropriately harsh judgement that I deeply regret. I can offer this lady from the fair and others like her forgiveness because I hope the mother of the little boy at the birthday party would show me the same compassion.  I am so thankful that God has used my son to give me a new perspective on standing out and not being judgmental of those who do. As a Christian, I am also trying to focus more on being obedient to the direction God is leading me, rather than blending into society or acting politically correct.  I may not yet have the kind of courage David did to dance in a linen ephod in public to worship the LORD, but I won’t be judging you if you do.

Busy

The months of September and October have been extremely busy for my family.  In September, we finished remodeling our new house and finally had the privilege to move in.  I have yet to meet someone who loves moving and I am no exception.  Now that we are for the most part finished, I can sit back with a sense of accomplishment but the process is so tedious and exhausting.  We were not able to press pause on our normal schedule of kids, work, church and community events.  So our most productive times were at 8:00 pm after the kids had gone to bed.  We had previously used this time to rest.  
Today is the first morning I have had in a long time to take for myself.  I decided to go out for a run/walk.  There is something about being out in the country air, alone, that is so peaceful.  I have felt distant from God these past couple months, until today. As I was walking, the verse Psalm 46:10 came to my mind "Be still, and know that I am God".  I suddenly knew that I had been too consumed with staying busy. Sometimes my life goes into seasons of "busy-ness" for reasons that are out of my control, like with moving.  But sometimes, I think I stay busy just because I cannot say "no" or because I honestly want to be busy.  When I am busy I am not thinking about all that is wrong with the world or my life.  I am just surviving the day, thinking about what task needs to be accomplished next.  I may still go to church or do my daily Bible readings but I am not slowing down to seek God's presence.  I am not seeking his guidance in all areas of my life.  Phillipians 4:6: "Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God." I am not sure about you, but when I stop seeking God and asking for His guidance in my life, things can feel a bit shakey like a wheel with a loose screw about to come flying off.  I am thankful for the opportunity to slow down today and that God showed me it was much needed.

Patience

No one likes to wait, especially if it is something we really want. Have you used dial up internet recently? Or attempted  to send a text message with a non-smart phone?  Waiting on these things didn’t seem like a big deal 15 years ago, but by today’s standards this would be unacceptable.  A society geared towards instant gratification makes us naturally impatient.  The world is quick to give us exactly what we want but God isn’t.  He knows there is value in waiting, even when it is not easy.

Saul was instructed to wait seven days on Samuel to come to Gilgal, but when his army starts shrinking,  he decides half-way through the seventh day that he just cannot wait any longer.  1Samuel13:11-14: “And Samuel said, What hast thou done? And Saul said, Because I saw the the people were scattered from me, and that thou camest not within the days appointed, and that the Philistines gathered themselves together at Michmash; Therefore said I, The Philistines will come down now upon me to Gilgal, and I have not made supplication unto the Lord: I forced myself therefore, and offered a burnt offering. And Samuel said to Saul, Thou hast done foolishly: thou hast not kept the commandment of the LORD thy God, which he commanded thee: for now would the LORD have established thy kingdom upon Israel for ever.  But now thy kingdom shall not continue the LORD hath sought him a man after his own heart, and the LORD hath commanded him to be captain over his people, because thou hast not kept that which the LORD commanded thee.” Patience does not come easy. It is our natural reaction when we are told no or to wait to try and figure out how to do it on our own. I observed this with my two year old daughter one Sunday.  She handed me a lollipop during church and asked me to open it.  I told her she would have to wait until later.  I would like to say she obediently sat there until I told her it was okay to open the lollipop,  but that was not the case. She started pulling on the wrapper as hard as she could because if I wasn't going to do it for her right then, she would find a way to open it herself. Unfortunately for her, this caused her to lose the lollipop all together.  This led to a lot of crying, but I had to teach her the importance of obedience and waiting.

God is teaching me a lot about patience through my son who has autism.  He struggles with basic daily activities that we completely take for granted.  For example, it took us approximately 6 months  to teach him to take off his socks and shoes.  This was with the help of trained behavioral therapists.  The shoes weren’t so bad, but it takes more fine motor skill than you would think to scoop your sock off the back of your heel.  He requires things to be broken down and repeated over and over.  We are so very thankful for the progress that he has made but it is at a VERY slow pace.  I want  him better yesterday. I pray for him daily.  Before he was born, I was in church praying and I can remember asking God, “Please give me a name for my son.”  We had been struggling so hard with picking a name for him.  We wanted a family name but could not agree on one.  Then we decided to get a baby name book and look at different names and their meanings.  We had a few picked out but none that felt quite right.  Shortly after my prayer, the name “Samuel” popped into my mind.  We had not been studying Samuel at church so I wasn’t sure where it came from.   I did not even like the name so I discarded it.  Later on that evening,  the name came to me again while I was looking through the baby name book.  I decided to look up the meaning of Samuel.  In the book it had a few meanings but the one that stood out to me was “told by God”.  I had to tell my husband right away and get his opinion on what had happened.  I had this overwhelming feeling that this name had not been placed in my mind by accident.  My husband agreed with me that there was no way we could not name him Samuel.  With all that being said, I know that God has His hand on my son’s life.  God has used him in so many ways already to make me a better person and mother.  I wait to see what God’s plan is for Samuel’s life as patiently as I can.  I want Samuel to get better.  God’s  plan, however, does not always coincide with my own.  The only thing worse than being told we have to wait is to be told “No”. It can cause us to unleash  the inner two year old temper tantrum and whining, maybe throw in a little bargaining and begging “please!”. To imagine that Samuel may never get better is quite an overwhelming thought.  I am sure it was hard for Moses when God told him he could not cross over into the promised land after leading the Israelites out of Egypt and waiting in the desert for 40 years.  Moses  prays to God in Deuteronomy 3:25: “I pray thee, let me go over, and see the good land that is beyond Jordan, that goodly mountain and Lebanon.” God responds to Moses in Deuteronomy 34:4: “This is the land which I sware unto Abraham, unto Isaac, and unto Jacob, saying, I will give it unto thy seed: I have caused thee to see it with thine eyes, but thou shalt not go over thither.”  Moses could have turned his back on God and rallied up the Israelites to attempt to lead them over to the promised land by himself, but he didn’t. I have had to come to the realization that God’s plan is the perfect plan.  I have to trust in Him even when I do not understand His answer. Isaiah 40:31: “But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk and not faint.”  Going  down the path God has made for me with His help and guidance, no matter how tough it gets,  will be much easier than attempting to blindly make my own way.

Light in the Darkness

Does anybody remember singing this as a child? “This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine. Hide it under a bush "oh no!" I'm gonna let it shine! Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine..”
I loved to do the hand motions for this song, particularly the one about not letting the Devil blow out the light, which I represented with my finger.  As adults, it is easy to forget the simplest of concepts that we learned as children.  John 1:4-5 and 9 tells us Jesus is the source of light: "In him was life;and the life was the light of men. And the light shineth in the darkness; and the darkness comprehended not..That was the true Light, which lighteth every man that cometh into the world." This made me really start to reflect and ask myself, "how brightly do I allow my light to shine?" If you are like me and find your answer less than perfect, it is easy to start making excuses for yourself. Our country is becoming more and more liberal and the views and laws are resembling our Biblical beliefs less and less. It is hard to bring up God in your workplace or school for fear of offense or reprimand. It is easy to get caught up in worldly things and forget about your light altogether.  If we are too afraid or too busy to share God with others aren't we just hiding our lights “under a bush”? 1John 1:6-7: "If we say that we have fellowship with him, and walk in darkness, we lie, and do not the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship one with another, and the blood of Jesus Christ his Son cleanseth us from all sin." In a world that is growing darker, it seems even more imperative to shine the light Jesus has given us.  If our light cannot be seen then it won't be very hard to extinguish. Silently wishing for things in our country to get better does not bring results, but prayer can. Matthew 18:20," For where two or three are gathered together in my name there am I in the midst of them." Let's stop wishing, start praying and shine on.

If I Knew Then What I Know Now

Remember the old saying, “If I knew then what I know now”?  How many times would you send the older, wiser you back in time to gently knock some sense into the younger, clueless you?  Chances are many of us would not listen to our own advice because lessons are learned best through experience. In first Samuel chapter 8, God’s chosen people, the Israelites, decided they knew better than God, which is always a mistake.  They were so intent on having a king that they did not listen to God’s warning in 1Samuel8:17-18 “He will take a tenth of your sheep. And you will be his servants. And you will cry out in that day because of your king whom you have chosen for yourselves, and the LORD will not hear you in that day.” The people responded in 1Samuel8:19-20 “No, but we will have a king over us, that we also may be like all the nations, and that our king may judge us and go out before us and fight our battles.” The Israelites were so focused on what they wanted that the consequences did not concern them.  As a parent, I witness my kids doing something I have told them not to on a daily basis.  Sometimes they actually look at me, smile, and proceed to do it anyway.  As God sees us as His children, He might share some of our frustrations as parents, when we do things we know we should not.  When I was pregnant with my son in the middle of July, 40 plus pounds heavier and miserable, all I could think about was having him as soon as possible.  I remember visiting my OBGYN in the last week of my 3rd trimester and she told me I could be induced.  My response was, “Can we do it tomorrow?” She began explaining that elective inductions can lead to things like failure to progress and increases the risk of C-section.  I know that I heard her,  but nothing she said mattered because I had already made my decision.  I knew plenty of  people that had been induced and they were fine.  Twenty-four hours after induction, there was no progression, and I had to have a C-section.  It was a draining 26 hours, both physically and mentally. In the end, I got what I wanted but I definitely regretted my decision.  God has a purpose even for our mistakes. He was able to make His own King, Jesus, from the descendants of David.  If we allow Him,  He can pick us up from the nastiest falls and teach us how to prevent it from happening again.

Priorities

Have you ever overextended yourself with too many commitments? There are so many days that I feel like there just isn’t enough time for all that I need to do.  I tend to start subconsciously prioritizing everything on my to do list. At the end of the day, I have completed  the things that are of upmost importance to me.  Reading about Hannah in the book of first Samuel really made me question where God is on my priority list.  Hannah wanted a child desperately but was unable to conceive.  She cries out in anguish to God and vows in 1Samuel 1:11 “..but will give your maidservant a male child, then I will give him to the Lord all the days of his life..” God answered Hannah’s prayer with a son, who she named Samuel, meaning “Name of God” or “Offspring of God”.  After Samuel was weaned, Hannah took him to the house of the Lord in Shiloh.  She says in 1Samuel1:27-28, “For this child I prayed, and the Lord has granted me my petition which I asked of Him.  Therefore I also have lent him to the Lord; as long as he lives he shall be lent to the Lord.” Hannah was able to keep her vow to God even when it meant she had to give up the person she wanted most.  God blessed Hannah for her faithfulness and she had three more sons and two daughters but none were as special as Samuel.  At times, I want to think I have my priorities in order: God then family and so on.  I have to wonder if I could give up something as valuable as Hannah did to keep a promise to God?  I have had days that I struggled  to give up enough time in the day to pray and read my Bible.  The words of Jesus come to mind in Mathew 22:37 when he says that the greatest commandment is “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.”  If we make it a point to live by this commandment, not only will we want to make time for God, keeping our promises to him will be a top priority,  no matter the sacrifice.

Ruth

Going through a hard time? Feeling like God has completely forgotten you? Surely we have all been through a period of tragedy or confusion in our lives.  We cry out to God and feel like he is doing everything but answering our prayers.  The book of Ruth really shows how God can use the saddest of circumstances for His plan.  Naomi had lost both of her sons and her husband in a foreign land.  She must have  felt completely alone and broken.   She knew that she was too old to remarry but  that her daughter in laws could, so she decided it would be best for her to return to Bethlehem alone.  In Ruth 1:21 Naomi says “I went out full, and the LORD hath brought me home again empty: why then call ye me Naomi, seeing the LORD hath testified against me, and the Almighty hath afflicted me.” In the midst of our darkest times, it is so typical to get consumed with our emotions.  We often blame God for our problems, like Naomi, or question His existence entirely. The thought of returning to Bethlehem without her family must have been an all time low point in her life, but God blessed Naomi  with a faithful daughter in law, Ruth, who refused to leave her.  Ruth went to glean the field of Boaz and she caught his attention.  Boaz was touched by Ruth’s devotion to her mother in law.  He knew it would have been easier for her to return to her native land where she would have had a more favorable chance to find a new husband.    Ruth and Boaz were married and God blessed them with a son.  Naomi became grandmother to Obed: father of Jesse, the father of David, the ancestors of Jesus himself. Ruth 4:14-15 says “And the women said unto Naomi, Blessed be the Lord, which hath not left thee this day without a kinsman, that his name may be famous in Israel.  And he shall be unto thee a restorer of thy life, and a nourisher of thine old age: for thy daughter in law, which loveth thee, which is better to thee than seven sons, hath born him.”  Naomi may have lost her sons and husband but she gained something even more precious.  I have not faced near the heartache as Naomi, but I do struggle with areas of grief in my life.  One of my major struggles pertains to my son who has autism.  It is so hard to accept that a piece of your child is missing and that  you may never get to sit down and really have a conversation with them.  Reading the book of Ruth has shown me that God can give those who stay faithful and obedient to him even in the midst of hard times, a special blessing.  My child may or may not get better, but if I am consumed with anger and grief I will not be able to see the “Ruth’s” in my life.  

Obedience

Have you ever heard the quiet but persistent, sweet voice of God telling you to do something you just aren’t sure about? Maybe it is just out of the realm of your comfort zone and you give God a simple “thanks, but no thanks.”  Then the voice gently nudges you again and again until you think “this must really be something I am supposed to do” BUT…then the excuses start setting in.  Some of my favorites are, “I would really love to BUT I have no idea how or where to start, or people might criticize me if I do that, or I am just too scared to put myself out there.” We are definitely not the first to question our abilities.  In Exodus chapter 3, even Moses questions his calling to deliver Israel from Egypt. Exodus 3:11 says “And Moses said unto God, Who am I, that I should go unto Pharaoh, that thou mayest bring forth the children of Israel out of Egypt?” Even after God tells him He will be with him and gives him 3 signs to prove he was sent from God, he questions his ability again in Exodus 4:10: “ And Moses said unto the Lord, O my Lord, I am not eloquent, neither heretofore, nor since thou has spoke unto thy  servant: but I am slow to speech, and of a slow tongue."  Moses has the same problems as many of us do.  We lack courage and confidence.  God could have easily used Aaron who was a much better speaker and more confident in his abilities, but He didn’t.  He  had a plan for Moses despite his imperfections because God knows that with the power of the Holy Spirit nothing is impossible.  He will make a way when it is His will. I am writing this now and feel very much like Moses.  God kept telling me “Wendy I want you to write”.  Then the excuses set in "but God I don’t know what to say” “but God people might get offended or judge me” “but God I am not a very good writer” “but God I am not very knowledgeable in any subject matter”.   We all have feelings of inadaquecy, but instead of running from the task at hand, we should use these feelings to draw closer to God who gives us strength.   He has been working on me a very long time.  His patience and mercy are amazing.  As much as I would like to think this life is about what I want, I am coming to see, life is beyond me.