Easter

My daughter and I watched the movie Tangled this Easter evening for the first time.  I had heard the story of Rapunzel when I was close to her age .  I remembered very little, other than the extremely long hair and Rapunzel being locked in a tower.  Disney’s version of Rapunzel has magical hair that contains healing and anti-aging abilities when she sings a special song, but if her hair is cut it loses its powers and turns brown from golden.   (Spoiler alert) At the end of the movie her future prince, Eugene, is killed by an evil old woman she once thought was her mother.  Before he takes his last breath, he cuts off her hair with a piece of glass to save her from making a promise to the old woman in exchange to heal him.  Once Rapunzel realizes she cannot bring Eugene back,  she begins to sing and  a tear rolls down her cheek and lands on Eugene’s face.  Eugene is healed (apparently healing power in hair and tears) and she reunites with her real parents, the king and queen, and they all live happily ever after.  After the movie was over, we all went about the rest of our lazy, rainy Sunday.  I did not think much about the movie. It wasn’t the best or worst Disney movie I had seen.  It had been somewhat of a hectic day in many ways.  My husband and 3 year old daughter were in the Easter play at church and both did such an amazing job.  I sat with my 5 year old son who has autism during the play.  The first 30 minutes were extremely rocky.  He kept screaming for Daddy and both of his grandmothers, who were also in the play.  Luckily the lights went out shortly,  so no one could see how bright red my face was due to the outbursts.  He calmed down some and played his IPad.  Unfortunately  I am  not technologically savvy and could never figure out how to turn the sound completely down.   At that point,  I  wasn’t willing to take the IPad  away due to the fear of more outbursts.  We have recently been making him sit through church as much as we can.  He had previously figured out that if he screamed that he would get to leave church and go play, which is exactly what he wants.  I hate to make others suffer through this brutal learning experience.  I am praying that it will get better with time.  It was a dreary, rainy Easter Day. Rainy days are never easy for my son because he loves to be outside running, jumping, swinging or climbing.  He spent most of the day wanting to watch certain songs or the credits of certain movies.  Our night ended with a meltdown.  He began hitting and kicking me over using a new pillow he received for Easter.  It takes him a while to adjust to new items.  I was not asking him to use the pillow.  I was simply lying on it and he did not want it on the bed.  Instead of being able to ask me to remove it, he simply went into meltdown mode.  Anyone who is familiar with ABA knows that you do not reward this type of behavior so I just tried to block and ignore him.  There is not any calming or reasoning with an autistic child having a meltdown.  Eventually he just fell asleep.  As I was lying there watching him sleep, I felt the tears rolling down my cheeks.  I could not help but to think, “If only my tears had magical healing abilities”.  What a crazy thing to think at that moment.  I know I cannot be the only mother or parent that would want to do anything to help take away the pain, the difficulties and the struggles for their children.  It is not an easy thing to endure.   I know I could not do it alone.  Phillppians 4:13: “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.”  How thankful am I on this Easter Sunday for our loving Lord and Savior who not only died on the cross so that my sins may be forgiven, but He is  also there for me every single day (even on the days I do not deserve Him).  I may not have magical healing tears, but I do have a God who wipes each one away and I would not want to face any situation without Him.

Giving

We are told in Acts20:35 that Jesus said, “It is more blessed to give than to receive.” I have been thinking on this recently and I have come to the conclusion that my mother in law is the most blessed person I know.  She gets especially carried away during the holidays.  She loves buying gifts for everyone, especially the children and to see the joy on everyone’s faces.  She does not limit her giving to holidays or special occasions.  She honestly wants to help and put others before herself all the time. Some people may be born naturally with this amazing generosity but I have to admit I have been doing some internal soul searching and I am not one of those people. I am a terrible gift giver. A gift card is honestly my best friend around the holidays. Why do I want to buy something thoughtful for someone that they may not even use?  I often put stipulations on my giving like the person must be deserving, and it has to be convenient for me.  If I only have $5 and the Holy Spirit urges me to give to someone else, I immediately convince myself I must be losing my mind.  I have been reading in 1Kings17 about a widow woman who was instructed by God during a time of great drought and famine to sustain the prophet, Elijah.  As Elijah approached her and asked for food and water she told him in 1Kings17:12 “As the LORD thy God liveth, I have not a cake, but an handful of meal in a barrel, and a little oil in a cruse: and, behold, I am gathering two sticks, that I may go in and dress it for me and my son, that we may eat it and die.” Clearly this widow was down to her last meal and knew she had no way to sustain her own son, let alone a traveling stranger.  1Kings17 (13)And Elijah said unto her, Fear not; go and do as thou has said: but make me thereof a little cake first, and bring it unto me,  and after make for thee and for  thy son. (14) For thus saith the LORD God of Israel, The barrel of meal shall not waste, neither shall the cruse of oil fail,  until the day that the LORD sendeth rain upon the earth.
Maybe this widow knew that Elijah was a legitimate prophet, but it must have taken great faith for her to open up her home to him and give him food FIRST then prepare what she thought was the last for her and her son.  If she questioned the scenario for a moment, it is not mentioned.  Not only does the meal nor the oil run out but her son becomes very sick during Elijah’s stay and dies.  Elijah is able to pray over him and God brings him back to her.  Two blessings she would have never received without being obedient to God to give.  It reminds me of the widow’s mite.  Mark12:43-44 (43) And he called unto him his disciples, and saith unto them, Verily I say unto you, That this poor widow hath cast more in, than all they which have cast into the treasury. (44)For all they did cast in of their abundance; but she of her want did cast in all that she had, even all her living.
It is easy for me to pray for someone when I am not busy, but if someone needs me at midnight am I still willing?  It is easy for me to clean out my closet and house to give to others but what about my more prized possessions?  What about my last $5?  There are so many times that I pray for God to bless my family.  Lately I have been asking myself, “Could I be holding God back from blessing me?” Just like the widow and Elijah, she first had to be willing to give her last to receive a truly amazing blessing from God.

Love

God has placed these verses on my heart because I have such a tendency to get angry when others disappoint me or hurt my feelings. I often do not stop at angry and can hold grudges. I also feel lead to share this, so maybe I am not alone. 1John4:7 "Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God." 1John4:20 "If a man say, I love God, and hateth his brother, he is a liar: for he that loveth not his brother whom he has seen, how can he love God whom he has not seen?" Instead of getting angry and letting the Devil in my heart, should I not be going to God in prayer with love for others? We all need prayer! Jesus tells us in John 10:10 "The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy you: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly." The enemy is out there and he can use any of us. The scary thing is we may not even realize he is using us. 

God's plan

When things are not going our way it is easy to get discouraged especially when we know we are following God’s plan.  God’s plan is not always instant success but more of a gradual process that we have to trust in.  The prophet, Elijah, was very diligent to carry out God’s plan. He followed God’s every instruction.  There was a drought that lasted three years that he predicted and then he went to confront Ahab about worshipping Baal.  Elijah must have felt pretty certain that as soon as God brought forth fire on the altar at mount Carmel in front of all of Israel they would turn from Baal and know that Jehovah was the one true God.  I can only imagine Elijah’s disappointment that his success in disproving Baal was only temporary and that Jezebel wanted him killed.  Elijah was so upset by this turn in events that he prays that God will let him die:  1Kings 19:4 “But he himself went a day’s  journey into the wilderness, and came and sat down under a juniper tree: and he requested for himself that he might die; and said, It is enough; now, O LORD, take away my life; for I am not better than my fathers.” When questioned by God Elijah responds in 1Kings19:14, “And he said, I have been very jealous for the LORD God of hosts: because the children of Israel have foresaken thy covenant, thrown down thine altars, and slain thy prophets with the sword: and I, even I only, am left; and they seek my life, to take it away.” I often find myself, like Elijah, frustrated when I feel like I am doing all the right things and getting no results or negative results.  It is easy to get a feeling of hopelessness which can consume your thoughts and make things seem worse than they really are. In all his sadness, Elijah had convinced himself he was alone, but he wasn’t as God tells him in 1Kings19:18 “Yet I have left me seven thousand in Israel, all the knees which have not bowed unto Baal, and every mouth which hath not kissed him.”  Often times what we perceive as failure or no result may look very differently to God, just as it did with Elijah. God does not answer Elijah’s prayer to let him die.  God lets Elijah work through his emotions all the while sending an angel to take care of him before sending him on an even greater task.  When you are ready to give into hopelessness and give up like Elijah, don’t.  God has a plan for each one of our lives, it may just look differently from our own plan.  

Standing out

Wouldn’t life be so much easier if you did not care what anyone thought of you? I believe people struggle with this to varying degrees, I just happen to have a healthy dose.  2Samuel6:14-16, “And David danced before the LORD with all his might; and David was girded with a linen ephod. So David and all the house of Israel brought up the ark of the LORD with shouting, and with the sound of the trumpet. And as the ark of the LORD came into the city of David, Michal Saul’s daughter looked through a window, and saw king David leaping and dancing before the LORD; and she despised him in her heart.” The fact that David was able to worship the LORD so whole heartedly and not care if he was behaving appropriately for a king really spoke to me.  I have spent most of my life wanting to blend in.  I am introverted by nature and definitely try to avoid anything that will draw attention to myself.  God has been working on me in this area of my life.  I have had to come to the realization that when I take my son, who has autism, out in public, we are going to get noticed.  Just a few weeks ago at the county fair, he was loving the rides but experiencing sensory overload from the lights, noise and people.  My husband left us at the kid section to take our 9 year old nephew to ride one of the scarier, adult rides. My son finds comfort in having us all together.  When his daddy left, the sensory overload lead to a major meltdown.  He was crying real tears uncontrollably, screaming “Daddy, Daddy”. I tried everything I knew of to calm him but nothing was working.  The screams became so loud that people were looking at me concerned.  The lady beside me was staring me down and exclaimed, “Oh my goodness.”  As a special needs mom, you must develop a sort of “thick skin”.  This is something I would have never acquired  if God had not placed Samuel in my life. It  would have been nice to reply, “Yes, my child is acting crazy. No, there is not anything I can do about it.  You have no idea what he is going through right now. So, please do not judge us.”  The desire to say this quickly passed as I remembered that I used to be very much like this lady at the fair and David’s wife, Michal.  Not only did I previously struggle with standing out, I was somewhat judgmental of those who did, especially if I did not understand their situation.  I can remember going to a family birthday party of a child when I was in my early 20’s.  There was a little boy at this party with autism who was several years older than most of the kids attending.  At this time, I had no idea what autism meant.  All I knew was that this noisy little boy was up walking around  when everyone else was sitting down and quiet and he was trying to open the presents.  I can honestly remember thinking, “Why doesn’t his mother do something about this?”  Clearly I lacked understanding which lead to an inappropriately harsh judgement that I deeply regret. I can offer this lady from the fair and others like her forgiveness because I hope the mother of the little boy at the birthday party would show me the same compassion.  I am so thankful that God has used my son to give me a new perspective on standing out and not being judgmental of those who do. As a Christian, I am also trying to focus more on being obedient to the direction God is leading me, rather than blending into society or acting politically correct.  I may not yet have the kind of courage David did to dance in a linen ephod in public to worship the LORD, but I won’t be judging you if you do.

Busy

The months of September and October have been extremely busy for my family.  In September, we finished remodeling our new house and finally had the privilege to move in.  I have yet to meet someone who loves moving and I am no exception.  Now that we are for the most part finished, I can sit back with a sense of accomplishment but the process is so tedious and exhausting.  We were not able to press pause on our normal schedule of kids, work, church and community events.  So our most productive times were at 8:00 pm after the kids had gone to bed.  We had previously used this time to rest.  
Today is the first morning I have had in a long time to take for myself.  I decided to go out for a run/walk.  There is something about being out in the country air, alone, that is so peaceful.  I have felt distant from God these past couple months, until today. As I was walking, the verse Psalm 46:10 came to my mind "Be still, and know that I am God".  I suddenly knew that I had been too consumed with staying busy. Sometimes my life goes into seasons of "busy-ness" for reasons that are out of my control, like with moving.  But sometimes, I think I stay busy just because I cannot say "no" or because I honestly want to be busy.  When I am busy I am not thinking about all that is wrong with the world or my life.  I am just surviving the day, thinking about what task needs to be accomplished next.  I may still go to church or do my daily Bible readings but I am not slowing down to seek God's presence.  I am not seeking his guidance in all areas of my life.  Phillipians 4:6: "Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God." I am not sure about you, but when I stop seeking God and asking for His guidance in my life, things can feel a bit shakey like a wheel with a loose screw about to come flying off.  I am thankful for the opportunity to slow down today and that God showed me it was much needed.

Patience

No one likes to wait, especially if it is something we really want. Have you used dial up internet recently? Or attempted  to send a text message with a non-smart phone?  Waiting on these things didn’t seem like a big deal 15 years ago, but by today’s standards this would be unacceptable.  A society geared towards instant gratification makes us naturally impatient.  The world is quick to give us exactly what we want but God isn’t.  He knows there is value in waiting, even when it is not easy.

Saul was instructed to wait seven days on Samuel to come to Gilgal, but when his army starts shrinking,  he decides half-way through the seventh day that he just cannot wait any longer.  1Samuel13:11-14: “And Samuel said, What hast thou done? And Saul said, Because I saw the the people were scattered from me, and that thou camest not within the days appointed, and that the Philistines gathered themselves together at Michmash; Therefore said I, The Philistines will come down now upon me to Gilgal, and I have not made supplication unto the Lord: I forced myself therefore, and offered a burnt offering. And Samuel said to Saul, Thou hast done foolishly: thou hast not kept the commandment of the LORD thy God, which he commanded thee: for now would the LORD have established thy kingdom upon Israel for ever.  But now thy kingdom shall not continue the LORD hath sought him a man after his own heart, and the LORD hath commanded him to be captain over his people, because thou hast not kept that which the LORD commanded thee.” Patience does not come easy. It is our natural reaction when we are told no or to wait to try and figure out how to do it on our own. I observed this with my two year old daughter one Sunday.  She handed me a lollipop during church and asked me to open it.  I told her she would have to wait until later.  I would like to say she obediently sat there until I told her it was okay to open the lollipop,  but that was not the case. She started pulling on the wrapper as hard as she could because if I wasn't going to do it for her right then, she would find a way to open it herself. Unfortunately for her, this caused her to lose the lollipop all together.  This led to a lot of crying, but I had to teach her the importance of obedience and waiting.

God is teaching me a lot about patience through my son who has autism.  He struggles with basic daily activities that we completely take for granted.  For example, it took us approximately 6 months  to teach him to take off his socks and shoes.  This was with the help of trained behavioral therapists.  The shoes weren’t so bad, but it takes more fine motor skill than you would think to scoop your sock off the back of your heel.  He requires things to be broken down and repeated over and over.  We are so very thankful for the progress that he has made but it is at a VERY slow pace.  I want  him better yesterday. I pray for him daily.  Before he was born, I was in church praying and I can remember asking God, “Please give me a name for my son.”  We had been struggling so hard with picking a name for him.  We wanted a family name but could not agree on one.  Then we decided to get a baby name book and look at different names and their meanings.  We had a few picked out but none that felt quite right.  Shortly after my prayer, the name “Samuel” popped into my mind.  We had not been studying Samuel at church so I wasn’t sure where it came from.   I did not even like the name so I discarded it.  Later on that evening,  the name came to me again while I was looking through the baby name book.  I decided to look up the meaning of Samuel.  In the book it had a few meanings but the one that stood out to me was “told by God”.  I had to tell my husband right away and get his opinion on what had happened.  I had this overwhelming feeling that this name had not been placed in my mind by accident.  My husband agreed with me that there was no way we could not name him Samuel.  With all that being said, I know that God has His hand on my son’s life.  God has used him in so many ways already to make me a better person and mother.  I wait to see what God’s plan is for Samuel’s life as patiently as I can.  I want Samuel to get better.  God’s  plan, however, does not always coincide with my own.  The only thing worse than being told we have to wait is to be told “No”. It can cause us to unleash  the inner two year old temper tantrum and whining, maybe throw in a little bargaining and begging “please!”. To imagine that Samuel may never get better is quite an overwhelming thought.  I am sure it was hard for Moses when God told him he could not cross over into the promised land after leading the Israelites out of Egypt and waiting in the desert for 40 years.  Moses  prays to God in Deuteronomy 3:25: “I pray thee, let me go over, and see the good land that is beyond Jordan, that goodly mountain and Lebanon.” God responds to Moses in Deuteronomy 34:4: “This is the land which I sware unto Abraham, unto Isaac, and unto Jacob, saying, I will give it unto thy seed: I have caused thee to see it with thine eyes, but thou shalt not go over thither.”  Moses could have turned his back on God and rallied up the Israelites to attempt to lead them over to the promised land by himself, but he didn’t. I have had to come to the realization that God’s plan is the perfect plan.  I have to trust in Him even when I do not understand His answer. Isaiah 40:31: “But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk and not faint.”  Going  down the path God has made for me with His help and guidance, no matter how tough it gets,  will be much easier than attempting to blindly make my own way.