Standing out

Wouldn’t life be so much easier if you did not care what anyone thought of you? I believe people struggle with this to varying degrees, I just happen to have a healthy dose.  2Samuel6:14-16, “And David danced before the LORD with all his might; and David was girded with a linen ephod. So David and all the house of Israel brought up the ark of the LORD with shouting, and with the sound of the trumpet. And as the ark of the LORD came into the city of David, Michal Saul’s daughter looked through a window, and saw king David leaping and dancing before the LORD; and she despised him in her heart.” The fact that David was able to worship the LORD so whole heartedly and not care if he was behaving appropriately for a king really spoke to me.  I have spent most of my life wanting to blend in.  I am introverted by nature and definitely try to avoid anything that will draw attention to myself.  God has been working on me in this area of my life.  I have had to come to the realization that when I take my son, who has autism, out in public, we are going to get noticed.  Just a few weeks ago at the county fair, he was loving the rides but experiencing sensory overload from the lights, noise and people.  My husband left us at the kid section to take our 9 year old nephew to ride one of the scarier, adult rides. My son finds comfort in having us all together.  When his daddy left, the sensory overload lead to a major meltdown.  He was crying real tears uncontrollably, screaming “Daddy, Daddy”. I tried everything I knew of to calm him but nothing was working.  The screams became so loud that people were looking at me concerned.  The lady beside me was staring me down and exclaimed, “Oh my goodness.”  As a special needs mom, you must develop a sort of “thick skin”.  This is something I would have never acquired  if God had not placed Samuel in my life. It  would have been nice to reply, “Yes, my child is acting crazy. No, there is not anything I can do about it.  You have no idea what he is going through right now. So, please do not judge us.”  The desire to say this quickly passed as I remembered that I used to be very much like this lady at the fair and David’s wife, Michal.  Not only did I previously struggle with standing out, I was somewhat judgmental of those who did, especially if I did not understand their situation.  I can remember going to a family birthday party of a child when I was in my early 20’s.  There was a little boy at this party with autism who was several years older than most of the kids attending.  At this time, I had no idea what autism meant.  All I knew was that this noisy little boy was up walking around  when everyone else was sitting down and quiet and he was trying to open the presents.  I can honestly remember thinking, “Why doesn’t his mother do something about this?”  Clearly I lacked understanding which lead to an inappropriately harsh judgement that I deeply regret. I can offer this lady from the fair and others like her forgiveness because I hope the mother of the little boy at the birthday party would show me the same compassion.  I am so thankful that God has used my son to give me a new perspective on standing out and not being judgmental of those who do. As a Christian, I am also trying to focus more on being obedient to the direction God is leading me, rather than blending into society or acting politically correct.  I may not yet have the kind of courage David did to dance in a linen ephod in public to worship the LORD, but I won’t be judging you if you do.

Busy

The months of September and October have been extremely busy for my family.  In September, we finished remodeling our new house and finally had the privilege to move in.  I have yet to meet someone who loves moving and I am no exception.  Now that we are for the most part finished, I can sit back with a sense of accomplishment but the process is so tedious and exhausting.  We were not able to press pause on our normal schedule of kids, work, church and community events.  So our most productive times were at 8:00 pm after the kids had gone to bed.  We had previously used this time to rest.  
Today is the first morning I have had in a long time to take for myself.  I decided to go out for a run/walk.  There is something about being out in the country air, alone, that is so peaceful.  I have felt distant from God these past couple months, until today. As I was walking, the verse Psalm 46:10 came to my mind "Be still, and know that I am God".  I suddenly knew that I had been too consumed with staying busy. Sometimes my life goes into seasons of "busy-ness" for reasons that are out of my control, like with moving.  But sometimes, I think I stay busy just because I cannot say "no" or because I honestly want to be busy.  When I am busy I am not thinking about all that is wrong with the world or my life.  I am just surviving the day, thinking about what task needs to be accomplished next.  I may still go to church or do my daily Bible readings but I am not slowing down to seek God's presence.  I am not seeking his guidance in all areas of my life.  Phillipians 4:6: "Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God." I am not sure about you, but when I stop seeking God and asking for His guidance in my life, things can feel a bit shakey like a wheel with a loose screw about to come flying off.  I am thankful for the opportunity to slow down today and that God showed me it was much needed.

Patience

No one likes to wait, especially if it is something we really want. Have you used dial up internet recently? Or attempted  to send a text message with a non-smart phone?  Waiting on these things didn’t seem like a big deal 15 years ago, but by today’s standards this would be unacceptable.  A society geared towards instant gratification makes us naturally impatient.  The world is quick to give us exactly what we want but God isn’t.  He knows there is value in waiting, even when it is not easy.

Saul was instructed to wait seven days on Samuel to come to Gilgal, but when his army starts shrinking,  he decides half-way through the seventh day that he just cannot wait any longer.  1Samuel13:11-14: “And Samuel said, What hast thou done? And Saul said, Because I saw the the people were scattered from me, and that thou camest not within the days appointed, and that the Philistines gathered themselves together at Michmash; Therefore said I, The Philistines will come down now upon me to Gilgal, and I have not made supplication unto the Lord: I forced myself therefore, and offered a burnt offering. And Samuel said to Saul, Thou hast done foolishly: thou hast not kept the commandment of the LORD thy God, which he commanded thee: for now would the LORD have established thy kingdom upon Israel for ever.  But now thy kingdom shall not continue the LORD hath sought him a man after his own heart, and the LORD hath commanded him to be captain over his people, because thou hast not kept that which the LORD commanded thee.” Patience does not come easy. It is our natural reaction when we are told no or to wait to try and figure out how to do it on our own. I observed this with my two year old daughter one Sunday.  She handed me a lollipop during church and asked me to open it.  I told her she would have to wait until later.  I would like to say she obediently sat there until I told her it was okay to open the lollipop,  but that was not the case. She started pulling on the wrapper as hard as she could because if I wasn't going to do it for her right then, she would find a way to open it herself. Unfortunately for her, this caused her to lose the lollipop all together.  This led to a lot of crying, but I had to teach her the importance of obedience and waiting.

God is teaching me a lot about patience through my son who has autism.  He struggles with basic daily activities that we completely take for granted.  For example, it took us approximately 6 months  to teach him to take off his socks and shoes.  This was with the help of trained behavioral therapists.  The shoes weren’t so bad, but it takes more fine motor skill than you would think to scoop your sock off the back of your heel.  He requires things to be broken down and repeated over and over.  We are so very thankful for the progress that he has made but it is at a VERY slow pace.  I want  him better yesterday. I pray for him daily.  Before he was born, I was in church praying and I can remember asking God, “Please give me a name for my son.”  We had been struggling so hard with picking a name for him.  We wanted a family name but could not agree on one.  Then we decided to get a baby name book and look at different names and their meanings.  We had a few picked out but none that felt quite right.  Shortly after my prayer, the name “Samuel” popped into my mind.  We had not been studying Samuel at church so I wasn’t sure where it came from.   I did not even like the name so I discarded it.  Later on that evening,  the name came to me again while I was looking through the baby name book.  I decided to look up the meaning of Samuel.  In the book it had a few meanings but the one that stood out to me was “told by God”.  I had to tell my husband right away and get his opinion on what had happened.  I had this overwhelming feeling that this name had not been placed in my mind by accident.  My husband agreed with me that there was no way we could not name him Samuel.  With all that being said, I know that God has His hand on my son’s life.  God has used him in so many ways already to make me a better person and mother.  I wait to see what God’s plan is for Samuel’s life as patiently as I can.  I want Samuel to get better.  God’s  plan, however, does not always coincide with my own.  The only thing worse than being told we have to wait is to be told “No”. It can cause us to unleash  the inner two year old temper tantrum and whining, maybe throw in a little bargaining and begging “please!”. To imagine that Samuel may never get better is quite an overwhelming thought.  I am sure it was hard for Moses when God told him he could not cross over into the promised land after leading the Israelites out of Egypt and waiting in the desert for 40 years.  Moses  prays to God in Deuteronomy 3:25: “I pray thee, let me go over, and see the good land that is beyond Jordan, that goodly mountain and Lebanon.” God responds to Moses in Deuteronomy 34:4: “This is the land which I sware unto Abraham, unto Isaac, and unto Jacob, saying, I will give it unto thy seed: I have caused thee to see it with thine eyes, but thou shalt not go over thither.”  Moses could have turned his back on God and rallied up the Israelites to attempt to lead them over to the promised land by himself, but he didn’t. I have had to come to the realization that God’s plan is the perfect plan.  I have to trust in Him even when I do not understand His answer. Isaiah 40:31: “But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk and not faint.”  Going  down the path God has made for me with His help and guidance, no matter how tough it gets,  will be much easier than attempting to blindly make my own way.

Light in the Darkness

Does anybody remember singing this as a child? “This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine. Hide it under a bush "oh no!" I'm gonna let it shine! Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine..”
I loved to do the hand motions for this song, particularly the one about not letting the Devil blow out the light, which I represented with my finger.  As adults, it is easy to forget the simplest of concepts that we learned as children.  John 1:4-5 and 9 tells us Jesus is the source of light: "In him was life;and the life was the light of men. And the light shineth in the darkness; and the darkness comprehended not..That was the true Light, which lighteth every man that cometh into the world." This made me really start to reflect and ask myself, "how brightly do I allow my light to shine?" If you are like me and find your answer less than perfect, it is easy to start making excuses for yourself. Our country is becoming more and more liberal and the views and laws are resembling our Biblical beliefs less and less. It is hard to bring up God in your workplace or school for fear of offense or reprimand. It is easy to get caught up in worldly things and forget about your light altogether.  If we are too afraid or too busy to share God with others aren't we just hiding our lights “under a bush”? 1John 1:6-7: "If we say that we have fellowship with him, and walk in darkness, we lie, and do not the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship one with another, and the blood of Jesus Christ his Son cleanseth us from all sin." In a world that is growing darker, it seems even more imperative to shine the light Jesus has given us.  If our light cannot be seen then it won't be very hard to extinguish. Silently wishing for things in our country to get better does not bring results, but prayer can. Matthew 18:20," For where two or three are gathered together in my name there am I in the midst of them." Let's stop wishing, start praying and shine on.

If I Knew Then What I Know Now

Remember the old saying, “If I knew then what I know now”?  How many times would you send the older, wiser you back in time to gently knock some sense into the younger, clueless you?  Chances are many of us would not listen to our own advice because lessons are learned best through experience. In first Samuel chapter 8, God’s chosen people, the Israelites, decided they knew better than God, which is always a mistake.  They were so intent on having a king that they did not listen to God’s warning in 1Samuel8:17-18 “He will take a tenth of your sheep. And you will be his servants. And you will cry out in that day because of your king whom you have chosen for yourselves, and the LORD will not hear you in that day.” The people responded in 1Samuel8:19-20 “No, but we will have a king over us, that we also may be like all the nations, and that our king may judge us and go out before us and fight our battles.” The Israelites were so focused on what they wanted that the consequences did not concern them.  As a parent, I witness my kids doing something I have told them not to on a daily basis.  Sometimes they actually look at me, smile, and proceed to do it anyway.  As God sees us as His children, He might share some of our frustrations as parents, when we do things we know we should not.  When I was pregnant with my son in the middle of July, 40 plus pounds heavier and miserable, all I could think about was having him as soon as possible.  I remember visiting my OBGYN in the last week of my 3rd trimester and she told me I could be induced.  My response was, “Can we do it tomorrow?” She began explaining that elective inductions can lead to things like failure to progress and increases the risk of C-section.  I know that I heard her,  but nothing she said mattered because I had already made my decision.  I knew plenty of  people that had been induced and they were fine.  Twenty-four hours after induction, there was no progression, and I had to have a C-section.  It was a draining 26 hours, both physically and mentally. In the end, I got what I wanted but I definitely regretted my decision.  God has a purpose even for our mistakes. He was able to make His own King, Jesus, from the descendants of David.  If we allow Him,  He can pick us up from the nastiest falls and teach us how to prevent it from happening again.

Priorities

Have you ever overextended yourself with too many commitments? There are so many days that I feel like there just isn’t enough time for all that I need to do.  I tend to start subconsciously prioritizing everything on my to do list. At the end of the day, I have completed  the things that are of upmost importance to me.  Reading about Hannah in the book of first Samuel really made me question where God is on my priority list.  Hannah wanted a child desperately but was unable to conceive.  She cries out in anguish to God and vows in 1Samuel 1:11 “..but will give your maidservant a male child, then I will give him to the Lord all the days of his life..” God answered Hannah’s prayer with a son, who she named Samuel, meaning “Name of God” or “Offspring of God”.  After Samuel was weaned, Hannah took him to the house of the Lord in Shiloh.  She says in 1Samuel1:27-28, “For this child I prayed, and the Lord has granted me my petition which I asked of Him.  Therefore I also have lent him to the Lord; as long as he lives he shall be lent to the Lord.” Hannah was able to keep her vow to God even when it meant she had to give up the person she wanted most.  God blessed Hannah for her faithfulness and she had three more sons and two daughters but none were as special as Samuel.  At times, I want to think I have my priorities in order: God then family and so on.  I have to wonder if I could give up something as valuable as Hannah did to keep a promise to God?  I have had days that I struggled  to give up enough time in the day to pray and read my Bible.  The words of Jesus come to mind in Mathew 22:37 when he says that the greatest commandment is “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.”  If we make it a point to live by this commandment, not only will we want to make time for God, keeping our promises to him will be a top priority,  no matter the sacrifice.

Ruth

Going through a hard time? Feeling like God has completely forgotten you? Surely we have all been through a period of tragedy or confusion in our lives.  We cry out to God and feel like he is doing everything but answering our prayers.  The book of Ruth really shows how God can use the saddest of circumstances for His plan.  Naomi had lost both of her sons and her husband in a foreign land.  She must have  felt completely alone and broken.   She knew that she was too old to remarry but  that her daughter in laws could, so she decided it would be best for her to return to Bethlehem alone.  In Ruth 1:21 Naomi says “I went out full, and the LORD hath brought me home again empty: why then call ye me Naomi, seeing the LORD hath testified against me, and the Almighty hath afflicted me.” In the midst of our darkest times, it is so typical to get consumed with our emotions.  We often blame God for our problems, like Naomi, or question His existence entirely. The thought of returning to Bethlehem without her family must have been an all time low point in her life, but God blessed Naomi  with a faithful daughter in law, Ruth, who refused to leave her.  Ruth went to glean the field of Boaz and she caught his attention.  Boaz was touched by Ruth’s devotion to her mother in law.  He knew it would have been easier for her to return to her native land where she would have had a more favorable chance to find a new husband.    Ruth and Boaz were married and God blessed them with a son.  Naomi became grandmother to Obed: father of Jesse, the father of David, the ancestors of Jesus himself. Ruth 4:14-15 says “And the women said unto Naomi, Blessed be the Lord, which hath not left thee this day without a kinsman, that his name may be famous in Israel.  And he shall be unto thee a restorer of thy life, and a nourisher of thine old age: for thy daughter in law, which loveth thee, which is better to thee than seven sons, hath born him.”  Naomi may have lost her sons and husband but she gained something even more precious.  I have not faced near the heartache as Naomi, but I do struggle with areas of grief in my life.  One of my major struggles pertains to my son who has autism.  It is so hard to accept that a piece of your child is missing and that  you may never get to sit down and really have a conversation with them.  Reading the book of Ruth has shown me that God can give those who stay faithful and obedient to him even in the midst of hard times, a special blessing.  My child may or may not get better, but if I am consumed with anger and grief I will not be able to see the “Ruth’s” in my life.  

Obedience

Have you ever heard the quiet but persistent, sweet voice of God telling you to do something you just aren’t sure about? Maybe it is just out of the realm of your comfort zone and you give God a simple “thanks, but no thanks.”  Then the voice gently nudges you again and again until you think “this must really be something I am supposed to do” BUT…then the excuses start setting in.  Some of my favorites are, “I would really love to BUT I have no idea how or where to start, or people might criticize me if I do that, or I am just too scared to put myself out there.” We are definitely not the first to question our abilities.  In Exodus chapter 3, even Moses questions his calling to deliver Israel from Egypt. Exodus 3:11 says “And Moses said unto God, Who am I, that I should go unto Pharaoh, that thou mayest bring forth the children of Israel out of Egypt?” Even after God tells him He will be with him and gives him 3 signs to prove he was sent from God, he questions his ability again in Exodus 4:10: “ And Moses said unto the Lord, O my Lord, I am not eloquent, neither heretofore, nor since thou has spoke unto thy  servant: but I am slow to speech, and of a slow tongue."  Moses has the same problems as many of us do.  We lack courage and confidence.  God could have easily used Aaron who was a much better speaker and more confident in his abilities, but He didn’t.  He  had a plan for Moses despite his imperfections because God knows that with the power of the Holy Spirit nothing is impossible.  He will make a way when it is His will. I am writing this now and feel very much like Moses.  God kept telling me “Wendy I want you to write”.  Then the excuses set in "but God I don’t know what to say” “but God people might get offended or judge me” “but God I am not a very good writer” “but God I am not very knowledgeable in any subject matter”.   We all have feelings of inadaquecy, but instead of running from the task at hand, we should use these feelings to draw closer to God who gives us strength.   He has been working on me a very long time.  His patience and mercy are amazing.  As much as I would like to think this life is about what I want, I am coming to see, life is beyond me.